Open letter...

To those who care and want to help,

Regardless of how you may not like to even hear me mention his name,

I understand why.

But, you do not seem to understand that, he was a big part of me. 

Who I was, who I am, who not to be, who I could be… but he is gone. 

Thankfully, I am still here.

What you may not like to hear or know but there were good moments in the sick and toxic relationship.

There were moments where maybe they weren’t real because we weren’t sober, but we weren’t always high so I know we had some good and sober moments between us along with some bad ones. Unfortunately in your eyes, all you knew about were the bad ones. 

There’s a lot of things that I went through and haven’t dealt with and maybe never will fully deal with them or accept or understand them, but I accept that those moments regardless of how terrible they were or how magical they seemed, those moments were a part of my life.

I am not scared to face anything after everything I have been through, but I do not want to experience anything that is not a good, happy, wonderful moment ever again.

As much as I wish I didn’t think about everything that has happened from my choices and because of Anthony or think about things that happened here in the house, unfortunately, those ugly thoughts consume me on some days and I am struggling to get better I am trying but those terrible thoughts consume me and feels like as I can’t continue but something keeps me going.

However, there is not a single day that I do not think about him.
The memory might not be a good one or maybe it is but there is always some memory that crosses my mind throughout the day and some days I find myself missing him.

I don’t know if I’m still searching for that closure I wasn’t meant to get or I just miss all the perfect times that were painted for I and I miss simply the idea of someone who was not real but the bottom line is that I try and hold my self up and I can’t on some days.

I want to visit him and the 4 walls we called home.

I know if I go I will breakdown, but it may help me or hurt me, but it is something I need.

There is a lot I need to face, and I went through things alone and I must face them alone as well.

I won’t know unless I try and it’s not up to anyone but on what I feel or want.

I may not get what I want but does not mean the waiting goes undone

But the burdens I carry are mine and mine alone to carry on my mind and heart.

I want and probably need this visit and need to face things and memories.

There are things that the family or you who cares about me would not be okay knowing about or even taking me to see Anthony, but we are different, and I am special, complicated and my needs and wants are different.

Somethings such as visiting Anthony may not sit well with you but that’s why we are different, and I can’t do things alone, but I sure do try… so that’s why I ask for a ride to go see him. I know you may not want to take me, but I feel like it is something I need.

“If I’m wrong at least I know that I’m half right” so I will do what I been doing, pick up my pieces, and keep living.

So, don’t judge or question me just understand that I am asking because I need help and who and what I want will always be different from what you might want or need or even perceive as good.

So, if you are worried, don’t be.

Be worried when I stop asking for help.