Be concerned when I am silent. When I am silent, I no longer
care. That is when I have given up. My silence is a deadly sound and that is something
regarding me that you will never understand.
Little by little I am losing myself. Yes, I am making
positive progress in the norms of society's expectations of someone of my age.
This so-called positive progress is the only side of me that you see. What
progress can be said that has been done towards how I feel, my way of thinking,
feeling whole, feeling happy, feeling normal, not drowning in guilt, have I
regained my self-esteem? Do you even know if I even feel as if I was my own individual
person, who can stand on her own? Or am I simply just getting further and
further away from her every day with your help. I want to be free. Free to do what?
I don’t know and I can not give any type of answer but the idea of knowing that
I cannot simply do as I please or do whatever comes to my mind or see whomever
I want automatically makes me feel like I am completely restricted as it is.
The way that I see things compares to someone else is different compared to
everyone else. Say for example a problem for any typical person can be measured
from a scare of 1 to 10 at a 5 as medium yet if the exact problem is present to
me that issue is at a 10. I can not explain why but I see things differently
and feel things differently. This is something that I can not explain or even
fully understand and can not expect anyone else to completely understand and
accept. I do ask you to think about the following. Regardless of my actions causing
the outcomes of situations sometimes I act out of impulse and actions and words
can not be taken back so I take a step back and try to see things through my
eyes.
The very idea of expressing my feelings and my thoughts, how I feel, how I improperly displayed my emotions all in the worst ways. But in my defense, not an excuse I was never taught how to share or show my feelings and thoughts. The few times that I did express any feelings it was already to the point where I was ready to explode, and every time it always ended badly. I got the police officers called on me. I got taken to the hospital and restrained and injected, I got taken to jail, I got hit, I got abused, I got pushed around, I got ignored, I got shut down, I got to the point where I did not have a voice and where I said did not matter and if my opinion was not welcomed, I was punished. Now it almost feels impossible for me to open my mouth and express myself, my thoughts, feelings, and ideas. Yes, easy to say that is all in the past. But how can someone just simply get over things like this? How can pain and trauma become undone without ever dealing with it?
The moment that I gather up any remaining strength, ask for help and get rejected makes shut down even more. I never knew how to properly ask for help.
I had nowhere to go, my back was against the wall, nowhere to run, could not hide it all anymore, and was coming undone and was comfortable within the chaos that I found in the streets so I kept going back.
You have always feared what you cannot understand and you will never understand the broken, battered, neglected, rejected, abused, homeless, addict, damaged, terrified, parts of me and your fear makes your grip grow tighter every day that you cannot even realize that I am slowly dying a little a bit more each and every day.
I hope that
you never come to know what it is like to live while you carry a part of you
inside that, you pray and wish that would just fucken die.
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