Wednesday July 15, 2020 at 11:06 pm

 

I struggle with the same thing that kills me.
I lie to myself and pretend that I have it under control.
But it is the one who controls me.
I play pretend, lie repeatedly to myself.  
Try and function as if I am not fucking up again but everyone around me knows the truth.

Try and escape simply because I am too weak and a coward.
Too weak to fight this battle with myself.

The truth is that I am simply scared of what is to come.
Terrified of facing myself when I come down.

Is it an addiction when you are making the choice to let it in your life?

I look in the mirror and quickly look away.
Cannot keep my eyes on my own reflection.
Because of fear and self-hatred.

I am in denial of my role that I played to simply have my life slip away.

I gave up and without a real fight.
Blinded by the poison and the lies that you called love.

I no longer felt anything, an empty shell of who I once was.
Long ago, I was the person who would not back down or be told how to live their life.

Until I was introduced to love and a piece of glass that would shatter my life.
I am not sure what became stronger the pain that was called love.
Or those pieces of glass that became crucial.

Because of shame, I point the blame at you.
I blame everything else, but the person I in the mirror.

It hurts to think back on all that I let go of and took in.
Failed to realize that I was not living.
I was slowly killing myself.

Every time I sit and look at my world from behind that piece of glass take one deep breath.
Praying that this time I forget for a bit longer.
But I lift that glass once again to hide from the world yet again.
Like the coward, I have now come to be.