The day that I found out that Anthony killed himself I broke anything and everything that was made of glass that was within my reach and in my room. I would not stop crying and I could not talk. but people hated Anthony for the way that he treated me. I felt like I was to blame.. when I found it was suiciding the guilt still ate me up especially because I felt as if I saw him again I could have stopped him. He kept asking me to meet up with him and before he would always threaten me saying that he was going to kill himself I didn’t go see him so I always went and that last time that he kept wanting me to go see him I was terrified of him but regardless of that I still felt as if was my fault. I could not stop crying and when my family wanted to know what happened and when they tried to ask me what happened I did not respond but when I did all I said was something along the lines of, “I think I helped killed him” and I walked into the shower. I always calm myself down by taking a shower. Then next thing that I know there are 3 or 4 male police officers in my restroom telling me to get out of the shower.
I am naked and the police officers are telling me to get out of the shower and get dressed and they will not get out or close the door and I am still crying. Then I am dressed, and they tell me to turn around and they cuff me. I am so confused and then I was really to blame for his death since I am being taken outside in cuffs. The police officers try to talk to me, and I just said to get officer Diaz here between me crying. He is an officer who had dealt and helped me in the past and he asked me was going on and I told him Anthony killed himself and I didn’t shit but I am in cuffs and he said wait, Anthony the one who would beat you up? And I said yes and he walked towards the other officers and my family and when my mom heard she said in Spanish “she’s glad he is dead” it broke me down even more.
The officer that was holding me told me to walk towards the car and told me to get in the back seat. For about 15 minutes my family talked with the police officers while I sat in the cop car in cuffs. I was yelling that I could not breathe and to put down the window or turn on the AC, that I was thirsty, I had to pee and I was just ignored until my sister told the officer that I had anxiety he came towards the car and opened the window about less than an inch and then continues talking with my family. Finally, the police officer got in the car and without saying a word to me started to drive and we ended up in the hospital and I told him that I was cold and he had my sweater and he told me he would get it in a minute, which he actually never gave me my sweater and it ended up lost.
When we checked into the hospital and the restroom and water fountain was in front of us I reminded him that I was thirsty and had to pee and he said he knew and that in a minute I will get to use it. I was checked on by 3 different nurses and I asked each of them for water or to use the restroom, but they asked the officer and he said not to let me. About two hours later he left the room and I was still in cuffs I managed to turn on the sink and drank water from it. He walked in as I was drinking water, grabbed me, and forced me to sit down on the floor. I just fucking with him asked him if it would be better if I was on my knees for him and I got on my knees and he left the room and came back with a female doctor.
I asked her if I could get water and use the restroom and she replied to me, “oh so you’re the reason I am over here, they pulled me away from a little girl who was hit by a car and is probably going to die because of you.” And I just sat down on the floor crying some more and drowned her out. I looked up and there are about 4 or 5 guys all in white grabbing me from my feet and arms trying to pick me and I started to freak out and more show up and force me onto a bed as they change me into a hospital gown. I realize that I was being restrained from my ankles and wrist and then I feel a sharp pain stabbing pain in my lower stomach area and I cried out and the doctor told me, “oh I know you have to pee that is why I brought you this and shoved a catheter up there.” My pee would not come out so she then pushed down with all her weight on my bladder so my pee would come out and when it did she said “there now you can stop crying.” I see the police officer leave and I am being pushed into a new room and the next thing that I know I get an injection and I wake up it is 4 or 5 am the next day.
(I have not shared with anyone what happened and never asked them why I was not picked up when they knew I was in the condition I was in)
I woke up and cried out and a nurse came to remove the catheter and I was not wearing my clothes and I asked for them and me and if I could leave or if I was arrested. I was told I could go. I asked for a phone. I called my mom and asked her to come and get me and she said no that I needed to stay there and I told her that they told me I could go and she said no I had to stay there and hung up on me.
I got dressed and walked out. I crossed the street onto Orange grove and I see a couple sitting in their truck at a del taco and I can not clearly remember how it happened but I was offered a ride and or a cigarette and next thing I know I am in the truck and they are driving me home since it was cold and wet because of the rain from the night before. I get home and I did not have the key so I am yelling for my family to open the gate but they won't and my dogs manage to get out of the gate and in my final attempts to get my families attention I throw my sandals at the door and there still no answer. All 3 of us get into the truck. Somehow we ended up in Covina picking up drugs and then the couple starts to steel mail and I told them I did not want to do it and to let me out and I just got out and they drove off and left. I got off barefoot with my two dogs no phone or money, but I had drugs but I still wanted to cry because I wanted to be home, but that was the last place I really wanted to be at, but either way, it was my only option.
At this point, it was about 7 or 8 am. The streets were still empty, I lived in Covina for a year and slightly remembered the area, but I did not know that exact area of where I was at. I just knew I did not have shoes and that Pomona was East and so I headed East. I walked into an old lady who was on her way to church, she gave me water and allowed me to use her cell phone to call my mom. When I called my mom I told her I was in Covina and that I was barefoot and had the dogs she just began to ask questions and when I finally asked if she would come and pick me up she coldly said, “no” I told her I would wait at the church and she still refused and I hung up. My mom called back and I could hear my sisters in the background and my mom spoke to the old lady and she told the old lady that she still was not going to come for me so I just continued walking East. By around what felt like midday people were already out and about and I was on around Barranca Ave.
I could feel everyone stare at me as I carried one dog in each arm and their eyes would move down to my bare feet. I did not have any money and could not get the bus if I wanted to with the two dogs and I was hungry, and I could tell the dogs were hungry and thirsty too. I began to ask a few people for change and I managed to get about $5 dollars and went to a Chinese restaurant and got a bowl of white rice and 3 cups of rice and me and the dogs had breakfast and lunch together at an empty grass field and processed to keep walking. I found a shopping cart and used it to help me carry the dogs and when I was near Ikea a man came down the grassy hill from the hotel and asked me if I wanted to sell my dogs I answered no, asked him to use his phone to call my mom for a ride. After my mom told me once again that she was not going to come for me I started to cry even though I was trying to hide it but the man began to pray over me and told me that he could not give me a ride because he was about to give a sermon but that he did have some old shoes for me to have and we parted ways and I kept walking.
Somehow following the streets and just headed East I found my self walking alongside of the 10 freeway and there was construction going on so there were no dividers between the traffic and myself, which was terrifying but I still continued on. Because of the construction, I was lucky and was able to use porta-potties. Passing cars lit my way along with the moon and the cars honked but nobody stopped. Finally, I made it to the point where the 71,10 and 57 meet and I chose to head down what I thought was a small hill towards Cal Poly and it was actually a big hill that I slipped down from and got full of mud and stopped because of offense. I tossed the dogs over the fences first and then I jumped over and kept walking. It began to rain and the few people who I walked into I asked to borrow their phone and was rejected but finally, someone told me yes, so crying, soaking wet, full of mud, tired with the two dogs called my mom to pick me up and she finally responded with let me see if your dad wants to go.
Since it was raining, I told her I was going to keep walking and when they picked me up I was on Holt. The minute I got into the car my dad starts to yell at me and I tried to get out of the car but the door was locked and my mom then asked me if I was hungry as we passed a donut shop I told her yes just buy me donuts and ill be fine. We stopped I got a dozen donuts and when an older lady stopped me to ask me for change and I told her I did not have any but I could give her a donut and my parents both saw me giving her a donut they both started to yell at me to get in the car and the scolding continued all the way home as I silently cried in the back seat. When we arrived at the house I just laid down and I felt as if I slept for 3 or 2 days straight. I could not walk for about a week because of the cuts and my blisters on my feet.
To this day I do not know why my mom refused to go and pick me up the multiple times that I asked for her to pick me up. She knew I was barefoot, not emotionally, mentally stable, just found out a loved one committed suicide, I kept asking for help which I never did, and it would of not cost her much other than a few minutes of her time and gas to pick me up and she chose to leave me alone in the state that I was in.
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