Every action has a reaction

 

Written on Wednesday, July 15, 2020 9:06pm

I have shut down and shut my family out because to me the door was shut. And my family washed their hands of me. Them getting the restraining order, the shit-talking, the notes, the words they said, and their silence all showed me how they did not care, and it hurt in the worst way. The few times that I did ask for help I just got shut down. Yes I know that I was very difficult to deal with but despite all of my bullshit I would say and what I would do it was me reacting and not knowing how to properly express, share, communicate, or even speak up about what was going on especially to my family. The uncomfortable time that I managed to speak up and, in my way, ask for help and get a response of “why you are already rotting from the inside out” completely makes you shut down.

I was hurting in so many ways but never gave my self that time to cope or to process all the things that I lived through. The pain, hurt, hate, damage, trauma everything only slightly subsided temporarily when I was high and so that is why I kept getting high. I know that once I chose to get high, I made the choice to get high above everything else. Long ago I was sane, happy, okay, even slightly stable but then I met Anthony and I was so naïve that I allowed Meth into my life. Meth suppressed some feelings that kept hidden and gave me a temporary peace and a euphoria but even when I wanted to stop, I could not stop.

I know that my family did not know how to help but in the ways that they did try they used the wrong approach. From the stupid contracts. To leave me outside of the house. To send me to jail. To me living in the streets and then being told that I did not have it too bad because it was summer still makes me upset today. Some days those rise and consume my mind and bring up all the resent that I try and bury inside of me. I was left alone, without a home or a place to lay my head. They did not even seem to care. They may say that they did care but I went on alone so in my mind and in my heart, I was all alone.

I lost myself and my mind.
I did not even know it.
I pushed all the limits but did not even know it.

The days that I went without eating still haunt me and bring my pride down.
The way feel I force it back down and keep it inside.
I feel as if at any moment the door will be shut once again.
The idea of having the door shut again, makes everything feel temporary.
As if I am disposable.

I was thrown away.
I went crazy, lost my mind while I was alone.
I was facing a fight that I knew nothing about.
Needed help that I could not get but I was too blind to see it.

Maybe things would have been solved in a much simpler or a different way, but it is a shame that they were not.
Now, I can’t bring them up even if I still have unanswered questions.