Feel like I am in a story that only they know how it will end and what happens next. Nothing I say or do will change a thing. The hurt and anger eat me up. I quietly let someone new fill in the shoes of someone new to push me around without even noticing it. In an old journal of mine, I opened the page and I just read the line, “trying to heal in the environment and the lace that placed a role in damaging different versions of me. The place where I experienced so much trauma all feels as if it was one cruel joke, or I need to see it as if a positive thing like a change was. To see how strong, I could be. To see how much I can take. Maybe I am just psychotic or just plain lost it now, I cannot change what happened and I feel insane knowing that I still have not gained control over myself and my life and I wonder if I ever will regain control.
All the things that suffocate me for example the fact that I NEED and have my family around me bothers me and other days nothing ever phases me. to be honest, I lie to myself and say that I can control my emotions and thoughts, but I cannot, and I do not. I lie that I try to believe. I am not comfortable or at ease at this place that I am supposed to call my home once again. I must hold my tongue and thoughts for the fear of getting sent back to jail. I try to live in the present, but everything feels as if was a trigger for me, especially being here at the house. At this supposed home that feels more like a prison. I have never felt so alone, even when I am surrounded by people that are my family. There are days that I feel way too much and feel like I won't be able to stop crying and I know it is a lie but I tell myself that maybe this will all change tomorrow, maybe it all gets better.
At “home” I stay quiet out of fear more than anything what kind of way of living is that? The idea of jail or even being kicked out of I speak up, speak in a tone that is not in their liking, a simple argument, in their eyes will be enough of a reason to justify me being in the streets once again or being back in jail once more. How can I be me or even feel like I am getting back to “normal” when I do not have a voice or opinion. Voiceless, option-less, restrained, kept within the walls that are supposedly meant to be my protection, walls made out of love to be painted as protection and as if it was a sanctuary but it all feels as if it was the “home” that I had with Anthony. That home was not I home and this place won't ever feel like a home for me regardless of how much time goes by. The doors were closed on me and that forever changed my life. Let me go back a few years and my version of events.
I always stayed as friends houses instead of being at home whenever I could and when I started to date Anthony it was extremely quick before I moved in. it was completely his idea of course. When the abuse began I left him and out of fear and shame I would sleep in my car because I did not want to go back home and face my family and what they had to say. I managed to stay away from Anthony but he always somehow managed to show up where I was at because of OnStar. He managed to access the login and my email address and OnStar could not do anything about it and he even had the spare key so when he located the car with the OnStar app he was able to start, and open the car. I would not go home because I did not have him show up at my parent's house and then have to deal with him and them there so I stayed where I could from friends places, hotels, streets nowhere just drove around. At the time I was not working but I was doing what I had to do to make the car and insurance payments. The car payment was coming due and Anthony contacted me and was able to convince me to meet up with him because he had some money for me and that he would return my laptop and my phone that he had stolen from me. Reluctantly I went and as always, I had my dogs with me Leto and Jax, but I refused to go inside the house or get out of the car. Anthony then used the spare key to open the car and get Leto out of the car and ran inside the house through the back door. I went inside and then managed to convince myself to get some food with him and the next thing that I know I am sitting at the dinner table eating and I start to feel dizzy and light-headed and I try and stand up but can't. The next thing that I now see it is morning and I am woken up by Leto and Jax trying to fight off the Pitbull Molly that was chained up to the back patio door. The front door is bolted shut, my phone is gone, my car is gone, he’s gone, the house is empty, the couches are all blocking the windows as if they were barricade’s the house was full of fleas. There were no light bulbs anywhere all the wires were out from any electrical outlets. I was stuck there for weeks. He forced me to use and some of the drugs I did not even recognize. The voices told him to do things to me and he recorded me 24/7 audio and video recorded me even when I went to the restroom. If I tried to leave a fight would break out.
Without going into too many details with the relationship that was hell that I lived through with Anthony there was: him interrogating me with the lights and flashes telling him and verifying if I was telling the truth or not. Him forcing me to say awake for over 7 days at a time. He cheated on me with guys, girls, trans. People showing up while he was in jail threatening me, checking up on me. Him threatening and hurting my dogs to hurt me. Stealing money from me and using my cards for himself and other people. Him stealing things from me. If I would leave walking, he would follow me for miles and miles. He would try and crash my car as I am driving. He constantly saying that he was trying to kill me and that he wanted to kill me. There were random cops searching the house constantly because of his history but his parole officer didn’t even do his job correctly or care enough to follow through with anything and allowed Anthony to get away with using fake pee and breaking all the rules that he was supposed to be following. He heard voices. He also had different personalities Destiny, Johnny, and a male 3rd one which I never got the name to. Therese were just some of the things that I had to live through while dealing with Anthony so you can just imagine my mental state the day that I finally managed to break out and leave the house in the car. He managed to take back Leto, one of the two dogs and I was fighting for my life and I was exhausted and so beat. I was soaked in blood, water that he poured on me, barefoot, bleeding from cuts and bites, crying. A total mess. I managed to have OnStar contact emergency services because of the help button on the car and at the corner gas station the paramedics, police officers from Whittier, Pico show up, firefighters show up and all surround me and are all questioning me and photographing me in the middle of the busy gas station. As I am being humiliated I asked the firefighter what Seroquel was and he said it was asleep aid and I told him that was what the voices told Anthony to give me. Then the only thing that I keep telling the officers is that I want my dog and spare key back and they ask me to drive to the house and next thing that I know Anthony is being dragged out of the house by 4 or 5 officers and being tasered and would not stop trying to run towards me and more and more officers kept tasered him until he fell on the floor. Once he was finally in cuffs and in the police car and gone, I was handed my dog and I just sped off. I had no idea where to go or what to do but the only thing that I was thinking was that I was going to have that monsters baby and I could not let that happen. I showed up at my male friends’ place because he always had money and borrowed money to be able to pay for an abortion. it was not until about 3 years later that I was able to finally pay my friend back for that money that he let me borrow in that terrible situation. But after my abortion, I was numb and so lost and everything that I went through was sinking in and I was on drugs and traumatized, and then a friend stole my car. I managed to get a ride from a friend and she could only take me as far as rancho and so I ask my sister to pick me up and she took about 2 or 3 hours to get me and I am completely traumatized, on drugs, screwed up, a mess, my so-called room is a total mess. All my parents tell me is that I need to clean up and that I need to get help. I need to see a DR. I need medication.
During this troubling time for me, my family attempts to deal with me by giving me contracts to sign and I refuse to sign them and so the city shows up, and then there is issues and notices about me living in the garage. One of the times that officers showed up to take things to the city dump I threw my shoe at a police officer and thankfully it missed because he ducked. Which I later apologized to him for. But days later I leave and come back home and my bed is in the street and so I sleep on the floor or the couch. Then some days later my dad tells me that I am going to get fined for living in the garage and that my time is running out. Then I get told that I am not allowed inside the house during certain hours. Then I am not allowed inside the house at all. If I needed the restroom, I was given a bucket and my key was taken away. There was someday that my parents would make me gather my stuff and sleep in the car down the street from the house so I would not sleep in the house or even tell me to get my things so they could take me to the shelter when I didn’t want to go but they weren’t asking me they were telling me. Some days I just got dropped off at the shelter where I was denied a bed so I would stay out on the street and did what I needed to survive. I was still able to get things from the house when I could so I would randomly come and go. Then one day I am walking towards the house in the morning and I told my mom that I was going to head to the house and as I am walking towards the gate there are cop cars there. The police officers already knew me, but they asked to confirm my name and then they serve me with a restraining order and told me I had 5 minutes to get my things. Shocked I was escorted to my room and grab things as my mom and sisters and the cops are just standing and staring at me and I get walked out of the gate and it gets locked behind me and I am trying not to cry.
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